I was somewhere around step three on Friday, where over the course of 24 hours I had consumed a bunch of shady dumplings and eight Hot Pockets which, as fans of Jim Gaffigan will not be surprised to hear, set my stomach into such a frenzy that both ends of my digestive system were seeing full time work by the end of the day. The issue was so bad that I had to take a few breaks during my Friday livestream (in which some of this comic was made, and can be watched here).
On Sunday I spent the day at Marine Park where Rich, Lima, Simon and I made feeble attempts at playing baseball/frisbee; when we weren’t wildly whiffing at pitches, we were dropping balls left and right (the latter portion of this sentence may or may not be the title of a porno). In any case, about an hour or so in, some kid drove a big RC car onto the diamond, kicking up tons of dirt and dust as he drove it in circles around Richard.
This was funny.
What wasn’t funny, however, was the fact that the kid kept at it non stop until eventually the car flipped over while making a hard turn. Richard was kind enough to set it right side up.
The kid payed back the kindness by continuing to drive in circles, getting us dirty and disrupting our game.
I eventually walked in from the outfield, grabbed the car, and turned it over.
“Leave it like that and let the kid come get it,” I told Rich.
The kid stood for a minute, then ran over, grabbed the car, flipped it, and continued with the disruptive driving. “How about more dirt circles?” he said.
“How about not?” Rich responded.
We silently decided to stand still and do nothing until the kid got bored and left.
Now, before you guys think we were out of line, this “kid” was really less of a kid and more of a fifteen year old. Honestly, the joke was funny at first, but when you just start to annoy people on purpose, that’s pretty lame.
Back on the topic of food:
If you had to make a decision about having only pie or cake, which would you choose? This was the topic of discussion at Richard’s apartment. If you choose pie, you can never have cake again. If you choose cake, pie is now unavailable to you.
Initially I was leaning toward cake; outside of pumpkin pie, there aren’t a whole lot of pies that I find delicious. Cakes, on the other hand, are always pretty good.
Yes. Cake. Totally cake… but then I realized something. Shepard’s pie… pot pie.
Those are technically pies. Uh-oh.
Before we were able to submit our final answers, we gave our lawyer friend a call for his take on what constitutes a cake or pie. After a discussion that lasted far longer than I’d be proud to admit, here’s our criteria:
Pie: Any food item that is served in a pie crust. No exceptions. This includes regular dessert pies as well as savory meat pies.
Cake: Any sweet, bread-like item made with either a cake mixture or created from scratch. Size does not matter: cupcakes, for example, are still cake.
Food items such as brownies and muffins were excluded from the cake category, as their texture and application differ wildly from those of cakes.
With all that information in mind, I decided to side with pie, as I just couldn’t go the rest of my life without having another Shepard’s pie, or chicken pot pie, or what have you.
Which, my hungry friends, would you choose?