Corpse Run 216: The Corpse Run Guide to Eating Healthy
I was somewhere around step three on Friday, where over the course of 24 hours I had consumed a bunch of shady dumplings and eight Hot Pockets which, as fans of Jim Gaffigan will not be surprised to hear, set my stomach into such a frenzy that both ends of my digestive system were seeing full time work by the end of the day. The issue was so bad that I had to take a few breaks during my Friday livestream (in which some of this comic was made, and can be watched here).
On Sunday I spent the day at Marine Park where Rich, Lima, Simon and I made feeble attempts at playing baseball/frisbee; when we weren’t wildly whiffing at pitches, we were dropping balls left and right (the latter portion of this sentence may or may not be the title of a porno). In any case, about an hour or so in, some kid drove a big RC car onto the diamond, kicking up tons of dirt and dust as he drove it in circles around Richard.
This was funny.
What wasn’t funny, however, was the fact that the kid kept at it non stop until eventually the car flipped over while making a hard turn. Richard was kind enough to set it right side up.
The kid payed back the kindness by continuing to drive in circles, getting us dirty and disrupting our game.
I eventually walked in from the outfield, grabbed the car, and turned it over.
“Leave it like that and let the kid come get it,” I told Rich.
The kid stood for a minute, then ran over, grabbed the car, flipped it, and continued with the disruptive driving. “How about more dirt circles?” he said.
“How about not?” Rich responded.
We silently decided to stand still and do nothing until the kid got bored and left.
Now, before you guys think we were out of line, this “kid” was really less of a kid and more of a fifteen year old. Honestly, the joke was funny at first, but when you just start to annoy people on purpose, that’s pretty lame.
Back on the topic of food:
If you had to make a decision about having only pie or cake, which would you choose? This was the topic of discussion at Richard’s apartment. If you choose pie, you can never have cake again. If you choose cake, pie is now unavailable to you.
Initially I was leaning toward cake; outside of pumpkin pie, there aren’t a whole lot of pies that I find delicious. Cakes, on the other hand, are always pretty good.
Yes. Cake. Totally cake… but then I realized something. Shepard’s pie… pot pie.
Those are technically pies. Uh-oh.
Before we were able to submit our final answers, we gave our lawyer friend a call for his take on what constitutes a cake or pie. After a discussion that lasted far longer than I’d be proud to admit, here’s our criteria:
Pie: Any food item that is served in a pie crust. No exceptions. This includes regular dessert pies as well as savory meat pies.
Cake: Any sweet, bread-like item made with either a cake mixture or created from scratch. Size does not matter: cupcakes, for example, are still cake.
Food items such as brownies and muffins were excluded from the cake category, as their texture and application differ wildly from those of cakes.
With all that information in mind, I decided to side with pie, as I just couldn’t go the rest of my life without having another Shepard’s pie, or chicken pot pie, or what have you.
Which, my hungry friends, would you choose?
Same choice as you, Alex. I love chicken pot pie.
Dude, you got to be more careful with Hot Pockets.
Sounds like cheese cake is still safe, so easy choice for me.
PIE!
Never was much of a cake person. I do have muffins occasionally, but you said they were safe.
Definitely cake, I love my sponge cake :3
Get the Walmart brand “Great Value” ranch dip to go with your fresh veggies. Trust me, there is nothing in all the world so delicious. It tastes almost exactly like hidden valley ranch with about 1/3 the calories. Broccoli was never so delicious ^_^ and having fresh veggies with dip is more healthy than cooked veggies and 100% less work!
You should have either stomped on the car or taken the batteries out and thrown them as far as you could…
Cake. No hesitation.
But we seem to be omitting some key pieces to the puzzle here.
(1) The Crust Dilemma: Some cakes have crust. If cake has a crust, does that make it a pie? (Cheesecake, I’m looking at you.)
(2) If you choose cake, and then choose to eat the ingredients of a pie sequentially (i.e. apples, then sugar, then graham cracker, then whip cream or something), have you broken the no-pie code? While you’re not eating forbidden pie-as-pie, if you eat the ingredients sequentially you have still enjoy essential pie-ness without violating the no-pie code.
(3) Nomenclature: And what of Scooter Pies? Or Moon Pies? Would a cookie by any other name still taste as sweet?
this person is a genius
An addendum to the above:
(4) Would donuts qualify as cake, in that a donut is a “sweet, bread-like item made with either a cake mixture or created from scratch”?
(5) [Or really more of a (3)(a) Nomenclature question] Specifically, what about Dunkin’ Donuts “blueberry cake” donuts, or other such flavors?
(6) Shape: How do brownies differ from cake? Isn’t a brownie effectively just a cake cut into small rectangular slices? Same with muffins — they would very likely fit the broad cake definition above, they’re just in a topped shape. I think if you’re picking pie, you’re losing brownies and muffins too.
1.) Pie is a dish that usually has pastry dough covering or containing the ingredients, which can be sweet or savory. Cakes are a bread-like food, most times sweet. They are made of a batter or dough and rise in cooking.
Cheesecakes are a custard served in a shell, that can either be baked or unbaked.
Cheesecakes are pies.
4.) For donuts I would only count “Cake” donuts i.e. ones made from a batter, and not “normal” donuts which are made from a dough.
5/3a.) See above.
6.) I agree…still get fudge though!
This was originally just gonna be about cheesecake…hmm.
About 6…
Cake is usually lighter in texture than brownies and has some sort of ingredient to make it rise, while brownies do not. Thus, cakes and brownies are completely different desserts. As for muffins, they method of which they are made is different from cakes, giving them a different texture as well. Usually in a culinary sense, cakes, brownies, and muffins are three different categories.
Cake. I don’t eat pie items anyway. I wouldn’t miss anything.
Dat apple pie.
WOAH there are a lot of comments on the Cake vs. Pie debate!
I think we need really need to solidify what the rules are for what constitutes cake and pie. This might take weeks, months… years… but I have a plan: I’ll eat a bunch of cake and pie for the foreseeable future and then get back to you guys on what’s what =P
It appears that life is imitating art, again.
Pie for sure, blueberry pie is like my favorite thing in the world
Definitely go with cake. I love me some pie, but the cake is gonna win on this one. How do muffins differ in this? To me, they’re in the same category as cupcakes. If I had to choose between these and cookies, I’d have to say that the cookies would win… What about teacakes? Where do they stand in this debate? I’m gonna go ahead and say that cheesecake cannot be given up. I will kill people over this. But yes, I loves me some cake.
Pie, no doubt. I couldn’t go without the pumpkin pie.
I’m not a huuuuge fan of sweets (I say as I hide the giant bag of Sour Patch Kids I bought yesterday) in general. So I immediately don’t have a problem giving one up. Except for the idea of giving up savory pies. So the obvious choice is pie.
I would be sad if bread, muffins, cookies, etc. count at cake. I love me those items (probably in said order) quite dearly, but I’d learn to live without.
Now I’m really tempted to go find a place that serves meat pie where I work. Although I’m fairly certain I’d be disappointed. Bah.
I consulted my pastry chef friend — she has thrown a culinary monkey wrench into the whole mess. She (for this purpose, my expert witness) testifies (1) all donuts and muffins should be considered cake: donuts are fried cake, and muffins are little shaped cakes — as distinguished from the originally invented muffins, which were more akin to biscuits; (2) cheesecake is properly considered a pie, notwithstanding the name, because of the crust and other factors of the way it’s cooked; (3) shepard’s pie and pot pie may arguably be considered a casserole, thereby excepted from both cake and pie categories unless otherwise specified.
So, after consulting an expert witness, I’d go with the following categorizations:
(1) “Cake” includes all donuts and muffins, but does not include cheesecake.
(2) “Pie” includes cheesecake; pot pies and shepard’s pies may or may not be included.
This makes my decision incredibly more difficult, as cheesecake is my favorite kind of, well, pie or cake. So if I choose “cake” I’d lose cheesecake; but if I chose pie, I’d lose all donuts and muffins. I think my love for cheesecake might be strong enough to make me choose “pie” to the exclusion of all “cake” with that revised definition.
Oh come on folks, you have to chose pie! Because we all know that the cake is a lie!
I’d probably go with cake, as I don’t really like pie crust in general, although I would miss fruit crumbles if they were included as pies.
Reminds me of once when I sat around for a while thinking about: if you could choose one type of food to be able to summon at will, which one? I think I eventually went with bread, because you can interpret it creatively and end up with awesome things like orange rolls or donuts or cake, but soup might also be a good choice, because A) it’s tasty and often more nutritious, and B) you could get really thin cold soups as well as thick stews and you’d have both food AND water on etherial tap.