The above conversation more or less actually took place in real life recently. I picked of a can of breadcrumbs a while back with the full intention of using them to enhance foods. You know, like breading chicken, fish, hotdogs… the usual.

Anyways, after a while I put a spoon in the can and began munching on them as a snack… but then my roommate found out about it. Knowing that I must have gone clinically insane, Jackie sprang into action.

The next time I opened the breadcrumb can, I found a note that read:

“Alex, right now you may be wondering where your breadcrumbs went. Well, if so… STOP! There are more important things to worry about. You need to be in shape in order to cheer the Jets to victory this year. I know what you’re thinking – it’s the players that need to treat their bodies right, and well, yeah. But seriously, dude, breadcrumbs?? Go buy a fuckin’ sandwich or something. Seriously.

Coach Weeb Ewbank.”

I’ll take this as another opportunity to mention how awesome my roommate is.

So… yeah, I guess I went a little crazy thinking that breadcrumbs were an appropriate snackfood (delicious as they may be). My taste in foods has always been a little weird; for the most part, there’s nothing I wont try eating at least once, including but not limited to:

Breadcrumbs, breadcrumbs on the rocks, ice cream with hot sauce, pickle martinis, pepperoncini martinis, tea mixed with gravy, birthday cake with gravy topping, vanilla pudding on steak, ground beef with coffee, Oreos & celery (blended together), banana dipped in mayo, apple wrapped in pastrami, etc.

Also, I often got into eating contests in college where me and a friend would go head to head eating as much as we possibly could.

These two habits of mine combine in a potentially lethal fashion. I intend to go out in a blaze of glory and Worcestershire sauce.